The Berlin Guy Who Was Simplyn’t Finding Monogamy

Aron, 39, Berlin

Going into the New Year, I’d just a bit of an epistemological situation. My personal entire thinking around love and connection had yielded this sequence of harmful connections. In Berlin, the concept of the « opted for one, » and/or one meaningful various other, is regarded as old-fashioned, out of place, out-of time. The gay social existence is a little dogmatic contained in this sense — available connections will be the expectation. No one really wants to restrict themselves anymore.

My most recent ex and I also had been in an unbarred union, but I was more recent to openness, rather than completely prepared for it. It worked at the start once the limits were lower. But with time, my personal ex started making use of the queer foundations of this available relationship to develop a rather specific playground for which the guy made use of gender and openness to manipulate me. I felt gaslighted and mistreated. After 11 several months with each other, I ended things in December.

I decided depend on was actually silly. Thus I rethought my personal way of enable more space for lightness and autonomy. That is while I found my — as I want to phone him — my personal plague fuck puppy.

Elias and I initially chatted on Grindr at the beginning of February. I liked his beard and feeling of melancholia, which thought truthful and prone, not self-destructive. I am not afraid of despair, thus I liked the openness. We chatted throughout the app during the period of a day, swapping details on our very own professions (he operates in an architect’s company, I’m in academia), how we found live in Berlin, and pictures. We made a decision to meet with the next day for coffee, and installed the very first time at his level that night.

By the point we met up once more seven days later, Berlin was already just starting to turn inwards. We recognized the decision we had in order to make: quarantine by yourself or be each other’s sole corona sexual partners.

In one sense, COVID performed every navigating here — in another, causeing this to be dedication decided a tremendously aware option. Within my available connections, I got to trust that my personal partner was actually taking care of himself, acquiring tried every few months, getting PrEP. That count on wasn’t always recognized, but that mind-set eventually prepared myself with this pandemic, in which every connection, despite having Elias, is a calculated threat.

We see one another once or twice weekly. The guy often comes to my personal spot after work (his offices are nevertheless available), and now we spend a few hours with each other. We obtain heating and convenience from each other, together with gender is really good. It can feel transgressive up against the bio-political order. The change of body fluids, the possible lack of length, you name it.

I am not using any programs right now. I am not witnessing some other men, no parties, no public sphere, not one temptations. This might be a tremendously special moment within record — monogamy is really queering Berlin’s default queer connection construction. Nowadays, the truth is that there is only Elias in this field. But that’s not a direct result myself building some sort of fatal crush like in earlier times.

Could I endure all of this by yourself? Yes, helping to make this feel a lot more of a variety. But i actually do believe we made this easier for one another. In lots of ways, Elias is like a negation of my personal final relationships, like some type of modification. Spiritually and symbolically, yes, the monogamy, the trust—but in addition physically, my personal ex had been quite a leading and into leather and very crude; whereas Elias, my puppy, is sweet, and, hopefully, dedicated, which, I have to say, is really precious if you ask me. The guy reminds me personally of my ex-husband, in fact — the same functions, similar conduct. It’s an excellent indication of these sweetness.

Therefore, these days it is my personal exercise, my personal special task with myself, to uncover pleasure in monogamy. To educate yourself on simple tips to get one person, to buy all of them, and to maybe not lose me. To make the option to trust once again, to open up upwards my personal cardiovascular system once again, to open up upwards my personal the home of a stranger. Its an unusual tango. I’m not sure what consist the long term, but also for now, Elias is actually my personal significant some other.

Interviews have already been modified and condensed for quality. Brands being changed.